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Talk:One More Day/Texas: Chapter 1/@comment-5453208-20160912211419
Mfw you didn't kill Ghost's character, you went one step further and actually killed off Ghost. Aiight, long ass comment for a long ass issue incoming: I'm genuinely impressed. I've mentioned it before with Judgement and I'll say it again; you've got a proper knack for building atmosphere and crafting imagery. You managed to build an extremely vivid image of the slave camp just with little titbits of information. An example being Helen's death, where you mentioned not only brain and bone, but sand as well. It gives off a very specific western image. I can picture the place being surrounded by red cliffs, and I can hear the wind during the nighttime segments. Top job there. It's also really cool to see you using some more internal monologue. It's the most important tool for a first person narrative. Just remember that when you use first person, everything being seen is through the eyes of your POV. Every description is their opinion. I bring this up as a small bit of criticism, for when you use phrases like "he reasoned" in an argument, when Matthew clearly believes the speaker to be unreasonable, it can be a bit confusing. I will add, while I haven't yet read the first chapter of the new England segment, just from the prologues, and Judgement, I can tell you're writing differently depending on the character you're writing for. That needs to be commended. As for the plot, I really liked it. I certainly didn't expect the darker aspects of the town. I think it could have done with a little more foreshadowing, however. After the towns darker side is revealed, Matthew notes how she sees injured people walking around. A nice image, but it would have been a hell of a lot more effective if he saw that beforehand and then pieced it together later. I did really like the characters as well. Chain fucking cracked me up, and Diesel was genuinely threatening. One thing that did confuse me a bit was Matthew and Jake burning down the building with matches. I understand the building's rickety as shit and incredibly dry, but wood really doesn't light up like that. Don't forget, they were in a liquor shop beforehand. Just an added scene of them pouring alcohol onto the side of the building would have added a lot more, both for the plot and the character of Carl, who would have had to directly surrender his stock and implicate himself further. As a conclusion, my main piece of criticism is that there are points where you need to check your grammar. There are a couple of places where commas could have really helped. You also have a habbit of repeating words and phrases, sometimes in the same sentence. When you have a conversation between two characters, you don't always have to add a "he said" and a "she said" at the end. Once you have the rhythm going, the reader will be able to work out who's talking. The best advice I can really give is to read your writing out loud a bunch of times. You're good enough at writing that I can say you'll have an ear for it, just when something sounds a little awkward. I did really enjoy this, and I've got to lay down the criticism because with a little polishing, this could be something really awesome. You improved more than I think anyone else here, I really want to see you push it and improve even further. Tl;dr Good shit m8 Also, I saw that Greensleeves reference. You sneaky snake.